


Smile (Though Your Heart Is Aching)

by RavenpuffWrites



Series: The CALM Soulmates Project [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, I meant to make it more obvious but things happened, Logan calls Patton heart and it's my favorite thing ever, M/M, Multi, Patton also lowkey thinks he isn't good enough and I want to giht him, Patton is a sad bean who tries to hide it, a bit - Freeform, also at least half of this was written in a sleep deprived state., he's very good at it, hinted at touch-starved Patton, this wasn't edited much and I apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 09:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15215798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenpuffWrites/pseuds/RavenpuffWrites
Summary: "I'm never sad! I'm your happy pappy Patton!""Falsehood."





	Smile (Though Your Heart Is Aching)

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if the characters are a little ooc, this is my first Sanders Sides fic so I'm still working on getting their voices down. 
> 
> This is the first of four fics planned for The CALM Soulmates Project. This one is centered on Patton, while the other three will each center around a different one of the sides.

Typically, when it came to soulmates, the bond was only shared between two people. There were exceptions, of course, and there were many documented cases of soulbonds the existed between three or more people, but they were overall considered fairly rare. A lot of people, as a result, tended to see these bonds as fairly unnatural or as a sign that someone was cursed.

Personally, Patton saw it as the greatest gift ever to be given. To have three soulmates who loved him, and who he loved back, it was just, the best thing that could ever happen. He still calls the day they first talked to each other when they were five, prompted by Roman’s drawing of a knight fighting a dragon witch that devolved into an argument over how logical that would be and “Hey you with the purple stop adding clouds over my sun it’s supposed to be a nice day”, one of the best days in his life. When the fighting finally ended they exchanged names, each in a different color and style: Logan’s was written in clean, neat black ink; Roman’s, by contrast, was big and bold, written in a sparkly red pen; Patton’s was bordered by a heart on each side and written in a bubbly sky blue; and Virgil’s was the smallest, scrawled in a deep purple.

Since that day, they hadn’t stopped communicating with one another. Everyday Roman would cover their right arms with different drawings that came together piece by piece as he moved between classes. Patton made sure to leave a positive quote on the back of their hands each morning, would scribble silly puns or jokes he thought of between Roman’s drawings and would leave other random bits of positivity across their bodies to help them all feel better. As they got older, Patton began to draw a heart on their cheek every morning so that if they met they would be able to identify each other (Even after they met, he still drew the heart most days as a small reminder of his love for them). Logan, the only ambidextrous one of the bunch (the other three were all left-handed), took full advantage of having the left arm to himself and would fill it each day with a list of reminders: both general ones for the whole group, as well as specific reminders for each of them on things they needed to do (Like reminders for Roman when he had an audition coming up, for Patton to remember to set the alarm on the nights he was home alone, or for Virgil to remember to take his anxiety medicine every night). Sometimes Logan would scratch notes onto his arm as well forgetting about the bond in his haste, only to remember later when he found the surrounded by question marks in a variety of colors. Virgil used the bond the least outside of direct chats with the others, mostly limiting his contact to the occasional vandalization of Roman’s pictures (mostly for the reaction it always elicited from the other boy), or in most cases through the stars he would trail across his ankle and down across the top of his foot whenever he was anxious.

Patton loved the marks from his soulmates. He loved the way it allowed them to connect even though they weren’t physically together, providing an insight into their lives and the things they were thinking. Patton loved that he could pick up a pen and in seconds be talking to the loves of his life, no matter when or where he was. More importantly, Patton loved his soulmates, the real people who existed in the flesh on the other end of the bond. They were his best friends in the entire world- his only friends in all honesty. Most people found his naturally sunny disposition to be off-putting, certainly not friend worthy. Sure, they were nice to him but it wasn’t because they liked him, more just so because being mean to Patton was basically just like being mean to a puppy.

There was a downside though, of having soulmates you could talk to but never touch as your only friends. It never really hit Patton until after Roman and Virgil met in person the summer after Roman’s Freshman year in high school, but he was painfully lonely without them at his side. He supposed he always had been, looking back, but it had been easier to deal with when they were all still alone. After all, didn’t misery love company?

Then Roman found Virgil on the beach and the two of them were together and happy and it was like something snapped inside of Patton and he was suddenly aware of just how alone he was. Not immediately, initially he was overjoyed by Roman’s message exclaiming the pair had met (followed by Virgil’s annoyed response about being covered in sand as a result). But after things had calmed down, Logan had headed to bed and Roman and Virgil had stopped writing in favor of actually talking face to face, Patton found himself alone in his room, realizing for the first time just how much that hurt. Before he could even properly process why there were tears running down his face, turning to full-on sobs as he curled around his pillow, wishing more than anything at that moment that it was one of his soulmates (or even just any sort of living being at all, really) instead of a cold, inanimate object. He hadn’t realized how much he missed them (could you miss someone you had never met?) until suddenly touching was a reality two of them shared and Patton didn’t and his loneliness was so much more real now.

He couldn’t tell the others how he felt. As painful as it was being alone, Patton knew that he couldn’t tell the others how much he craved to be with them, how jealous he was that Roman was the one who got to give Virgil his first ever hug and that the two were able to see and touch each other whenever they wanted, how he wished it was him there instead, or even worse how he wished the pair hadn’t met yet at all. It was stupid and selfish and mean of him, to wish that they were still suffering just because he was as well. They deserved to be happy, to have a chance to enjoy each other’s company without worrying about Patton’s selfish unreasonable feelings.

Besides, it wasn’t like he was the only one alone. Logan was too and he seemed perfectly fine with the situation, of course, Patton couldn’t be for sure just from his writing alone but he certainly didn’t seem to overly upset like Patton was. And it’s not like they didn’t still talk. Their marks still continued every day, Roman’s drawings and Virgil’s stars never stopped, and neither did Logan’s lists. They were still there in the same way they had always been, but it was like suddenly that just wasn’t enough to soothe Patton’s aching.

He refused to let them know though. It wasn’t like they could do anything about it anyways, and Patton was so sure that he would be able to deal with it on his own. He just... had to hold on a little longer. Make the most out of the little bit of contact they did had, meaning more messages and an instant response no matter where he was or what he was doing. Hold on to the idea that they would one day be together and everything would be okay again. Realize that this feeling wouldn’t last forever, he would find them someday, somehow, he would find them and hold them in his arms and everything would be perfect again. His loneliness would fade. He would be happy.

It would get better. That’s what Patton promised himself every morning when he woke up feeling like all the life had been drained out of him. They would be together and he would be happy, he reminded himself every night he found himself curled in bed around his pillow tears running down his cheeks, unable to sleep from the ever-growing ache in his chest.

This was only temporary. It would all pass eventually. And until then, all he could do was smile, and pretend like his world wasn’t so close to falling down around him.

* * *

When Logan dropped the news early September of his Junior year that he had met Virgil and Roman, only a few months after the duo had initially met, the pain in Patton’s chest only seemed to grow larger. All three of them were together now, in the same town, the same school, always within reach of each other. They were together and Patton... Patton was more alone than ever.

He knew they didn’t mean for him to become an outsider, they tried their hardest to keep him updated, constantly leaving messages over the things the others did, kept him in the loop the best they could but, it was hard. Patton was here and they were there and try as they might all the messages in the world couldn’t make up for that distance between them. They could give him a play by play on everything that happened and it still wouldn’t change anything. All the messages in the world couldn’t bring them any closer, dull the ache in his chest that longed just to have someone hold him, they could talk day in and day out but there was nothing they could do to change the fact that Patton was alone.

It was becoming more painful with every day that passed. The loneliness had grown into a physical weight in his chest, the desire for touch so desperate he would go out of his way just to get the tiniest brush of contact with someone else. Patton talked to his soulmates non-stop hoping to gain at least the smallest bit of relief, started volunteering at the animal shelter whenever he had free time because animals weren’t a replacement for people but they were pretty darn close. He’d wear the well-practiced fake smile that fooled people into thinking he was okay, stayed bubbly and bright when he was in public, and if at night he wound up crying himself to sleep well nobody really needed to know that.

All of this would be worth it after he found them. Once they were together, the years of isolation and loneliness would come to an end and he would have them in his arms and he would be happy. He just needed to wait until the day they met. Then it all would be fixed.

* * *

By the time Patton met them, he had almost become used to the throbbing ache that came from being alone. The others had been together for over a year now and Patton had long given up hope that he would be able to find them any time short of college (when he might get the chance to leave the town he’s spent his whole life in, provided that he get a good enough scholarship to pay his way). Until then it was all he could do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not let himself be crushed under the weight of his ever-growing loneliness.

Patton still remembers the day it happened.

It was only early October his senior year and already Patton felt like he was drowning under his workload, between his new job he had gotten that summer to help save up for college and the multitude of AP classes he had for some reason let Logan convince him to take (Stupid soulmate knowing Patton couldn’t resist anything that could help him with getting a scholarship), he felt like he hardly had time to ever even look at the things his soulmates wrote across their bond let alone respond and hold a proper conversation with them. It had been far too long since he had any sort of contact with another living being (he hadn’t had time in his schedule to stop by the shelter), Patton was sure he was going to go crazy soon if he didn’t receive any kind of affection soon. He was desperate for the warm feeling of something else alive, which is why one Saturday after work feeling exhausted he stopped by the animal shelter instead of going straight home, making a beeline for the cat room immediately after signing in.

Patton didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time in this room. For one thing, he was fairly allergic to cats, something nearly everyone at the shelter was aware of, meaning he was more often than not sent to work with the dogs who he was decidedly not allergic to. Most of the time Patton did spend in the cat room was unregulated, as in he snuck in there when no one was watching and stayed that way until he was found. He didn’t do it often, mostly because his allergies really did suck and his dad would absolutely scold him if he found out, but when it did it was usually when he was having a particularly bad day like today. At least then it was impossible to tell if the redness in his eyes was from allergies or from his tears.

Spending time with any of the animals at the shelter had a way of making Patton feel better, but for some reason, it seemed like the cats were always able to have the strongest calming effect on the boy. The little room they got to run around in had always been his favorite spot in the shelter since he started volunteering there. After he met Virgil there, Patton had grown to love the room even more.

Most of their first meeting still existed like a blur in Patton’s mind. He remembers the moment it clicked in his head who it was standing across from him, purple bangs falling into his eyes and drawing attention to the pinkness tinting his face. For a second it was like the entire world froze, and then Virgil had opened his arms hesitantly and Patton was stepping into them, wrapping the youngest of his soulmates into a hug for the first time, not even bothering to stop the tears that streamed down his cheeks. Patton was pretty sure his brain stopped working after that initial contact, too overwhelmed at the fact that Virgil was real and this was happening and oh my god he wasn’t alone anymore. Everything after that came back only in fragments, became clear again for a brief time as he followed the directions Virgil gave him to Roman’s house, he remembers clearly the first moment he laid eyes on his final two soulmates curled together on the couch and he remembers seeing the tears run down Roman’s face before he was engulfed in another hug and it was like everything stopped working again. But it was okay because he had Roman, he had Logan, he had Virgil, he had all three of his soulmates surrounding him, showering him with all the affection he had been missing for years and for the first time in forever he didn’t feel anything but pure joy because this is exactly where he was always meant to be.

And for that one moment, everything was perfect. And then that moment ended.

* * *

It was almost a week before Patton noticed the telltale signs of his previous loneliness creeping in. He tried to ignore it at first, thinking maybe it was simply because they hadn’t been together still very long, there were years of heartache that needed to be undone and that didn’t happen overnight, but he was sure that in time as they were together, the lingering amount of pain he felt would fade away. He would okay again. It was just going to take a little time.

At least, that’s what Patton thought would happen. As it turned out though, the longer he tried to ignore them the worst the feelings of loneliness got.

It was stupid. He knew that. Even more stupid than before, because he had his soulmates now. They had found each other after so long only a few miles away, he could go see them whenever he wanted and even in the middle of the night they were always only a phone call away. They saw each other all the time. After school when they weren’t working they would meet up and hang out or study, they had weekly Saturday night sleepovers and movie marathons at Roman’s house, they texted and called each other all the time, Patton knew, he knew that his soulmates were right there but as time began to pass, he couldn’t help but start to feel like they were further and further away.

For months Patton tried to ignore the ache that returned to his chest, one that dimmed slightly when he was with his soulmates but never quite went away anymore. He couldn’t understand it, how he could be so lonely when he was constantly showered with so much love but was. And Patton felt guiltier about that then he had about anything else.

He was supposed to be happy now. He had all he ever wanted, his soulmates were within reach and finally, finally, they were all together just like it was always meant to be. He wasn’t alone anymore, it would be illogical to even think he was when he had three boyfriends who loved him more than anything but Patton couldn’t shake the pain that continued to grow.

Patton tried. Oh, how he tried to make the ache of loneliness go away, but even when he was with the others were right beside him it wouldn’t go away. So he ignored it the best he could, focused on the love and happiness that came from the others and keeping up the carefully crafted facade that he was always doing great. Patton hated lying, especially to his soulmates when they had promised each other a long time ago not to keep secrets but this was just... this was something he couldn’t share.

He couldn’t let them see it break his heart. He wouldn’t let them see him fall apart. Not over something so stupid, not when it had been years he had been hiding and lying to them. It would only cause more heartbreak. It was easier for everyone if he just kept pretending like everything was okay, and like he wasn’t slowly falling apart day by day.

The problem, though, with pretending like everything was alright is that you can’t keep the act up forever. Patton knew that one day he would break, and every lie he had ever told would come crumbling down around him as it became painfully clear to the whole world he wasn’t as happy and put together as he seemed to be. One day it all would come crashing down around him and it was the people Patton tried to protect the most (Roman, Virgil, and Logan, his soulmates) that would be hurt the worst and it was all going to be his fault. There was nothing he could do to save them from the fallout when it inevitably came, but Patton would do everything in his power to push that moment as far into the future as possible.

* * *

It was April when things really began to fall apart. It started off with little things: He was more tired than normal, less hungry, everything seemed to take more energy and even talking to his soulmates was starting to feel more like a chore than something he enjoyed.

For a while Patton played it off as stress: he had been taking on more shifts at work lately, AP testing was coming up and he had a lot to study for, college acceptance letters were coming in and he was trying to figure out which offer was the best. His soulmates tried their best to be understanding and helpful. After all, Logan was under a lot of similar stress as he was also a Senior, and all of them were dealing with the pressures of finishing up another school year. They gave Patton his space when he needed to rest and did their best to ease his worries in any way they could: Logan offered himself up as a study buddy for the subjects they had in common; Roman enlisted the help of his older brother Thomas to help Patton go through his acceptance letters and understand the different offers; Virgil brought Patton lunch/dinner at work and made sure he took his breaks.

They were only trying to help, but for Patton, it was as if everything they did for him made things worse and worse. Because now on top of that aching pain he couldn’t even call loneliness anymore (it felt like it had moved far beyond that months before), the guilt he already felt for lying, now there was even more guilt that stemmed from the fact his soulmates were spending so much time trying to make him feel better when he wasn’t even telling them the truth about why he was hurting in the first place.

He didn’t deserve them. He never had, if he was being honest, but especially now after months of lying, of pretending. They were supposed to make him happy no matter what by for some reason they couldn’t, and it was all Patton’s fault. Something was wrong with him.

And now here they were trying harder than ever to just make his life easier and all he wanted was for them to just leave him alone. They were just trying to help and Patton resented them for that because it only made things worse and he hated that. It wasn’t their fault, but part of him couldn’t stop blaming them for how he was feeling.

Patton knew he was on the verge of snapping, tried to distance himself before one of them got hurt, but they refused to let go. It was like the more Patton tried to push away they tighter they clung on, thinking they were helping when in reality it only made things worse.

Eventually, it got to be too much. Six months after he felt the first cracks, Patton finally felt himself snap.

And the walls he had built up for years finally came tumbling down around him.

* * *

It was Logan who finally pushed Patton over the edge. The last Saturday in April, Patton woke up late after struggling for hours to fall asleep the night before. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying the night before, he felt like complete shit, and really he wanted nothing more than to crawl back under his covers and sleep but there were things that had to be done.

Like checking his phone because he had... 28 missed messages? Patton frowned slightly as his phone dinged again. 29 now.

Patton felt his heart pang slightly as he scrolled through the messages. Over half of them were from Virgil, including the newest one, a series of texts that seemed to get more and more anxious as time went on. Apparently, they had been trying to contact him since early that morning, something about meeting up for dinner after Virgil got off work, but when he hadn’t responded through the soulbond or their texts, they hadn’t started to worry. Especially Virgil, as evident by the stream of messages he had sent to Patton’s phone. When he looked down at his arm Patton could see it was also filled with messages of growing concern, mostly in purple ink.

A wave of guilt washed over Patton. Virgil already struggled enough with his anxiety on a regular day. And here he had gone making it worse by not answering his messages.

Patton sighed, texting Virgil back a quick reassurance that he was okay, just “slept in a little later than normal kiddo”. There were a few messages of similar concern from Roman that had Patton responding the same thing, but when he checked the messages from Logan his heart stopped.

**(7:30am) LoLoBerry:** Good morning dear heart.

**(9:23am) LoLoBerry:** I assume you’re still sleeping considering you have yet to respond to us, so in case you missed it we are planning to have dinner tonight to celebrate Roman’s audition success (or comfort him for his failure should things go badly). Are you free to join us?

**(10:06am) LoLoBerry:** Considering how stressed you have been lately I cannot say that I am surprised if you are still sleeping, exhaustion often results from overworking yourself. I hope you are taking care of yourself, heart. We are here if you need us.

**(10:59am) LoLoBerry:** Patton, please message Virgil as soon as possible he is incredibly worried about your well-being.

**(11:00am) LoLoBerry:** We all are, truthfully, but at this moment Virgil’s concern seems more present.

**(11:37am) LoLoBerry** : I promised Virgil if you had not responded by noon I would make my way over to your house to see if you are okay. He seems convinced that something may have happened and although I do not think that is the case, I cannot deny the fact that you have not responded has worried me as well.

**(11:52am) LoLoBerry:** Patton...

**(12:01pm) LoLoBerry:** I am leaving Roman’s house now to come check on you. Roman lives approximately 15 minutes away from you, so I should be there before long.

Patton glanced over at the clock. 12:17pm. Logan could be here any minute now. And considering Patton hadn’t texted Virgil until after Logan left, there’s no way he would know until he was here that Patton had responded. And being Logan, there’s no way he would turn around after coming all that way without seeing Patton first.

But Patton looked like a mess. Logan would be able to tell with one look that something was off and all of this would be over. He would see Patton’s tear-stained cheeks, his puffy and lifeless eyes, colorless cheeks and his unwashed and greasy hair and he would know something was wrong, no matter how big of a fake smile Patton tried to put on. There wasn’t enough time to even begin to try and hide it all.

The sound of the doorbell ringing downstairs made Patton jump and his heart began to race. Logan was here, just a few feet away. He was going to see what a mess Patton was and he was going to know and everything Patton had worked so hard to keep a secret was going to come tumbling out.

The doorbell rang again. Patton’s breaths were becoming shorter now, his legs hardly felt like they could hold him anymore so slid down the wall beside his dresser, pulling his knees to his chest as soon as he did. They were going to know Patton had lied to them and they were going to hate him for and he was going to lose everything and it was all his fault.

The doorbell rang a third time. Vaguely Patton was aware of his phone buzzing on top of his dresser but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand up and get it. Tears were rushing down his cheeks, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears and it felt like there was a weight on his chest making it impossible to breathe. Everything was crashing down at once and it felt like too much and Patton was sure he was going to drown under the pressure of it all.

Downstairs the door was being unlocked. Someone called Patton’s name as they stepped into the house but he didn’t hear them, not that it would matter because there was a lump in his throat that made it impossible to speak. He let out a loud sob, burying his face in his arms as footsteps rushed up the stairs. The door to Patton’s room opened and light from the hallway flooded in, brightening the already sunlit room making it seem too cheery for the situation. Quick footsteps crossed the room, and then there was a figure crouching beside Patton. There was a familiar hand on his back rubbing firm circles to help ground him back to reality, after a minute the roaring in his ears faded enough he could hear someone speaking, gently directing him on his breathing and Patton focused on that until he no longer felt like he was about to pass out from lack of oxygen.

When his sobbing had stopped and most of the panic seemed to have passed, Patton felt a soft hand on his cheek encouraging him to lift his head. Slowly he did, and almost at once his eyes came into contact with the concerned face of Logan.

“Are you okay now, my heart?” Logan asked in the soft voice Patton had only ever heard him use on Virgil after a panic attack. Oh. That’s what just happened.

Patton could feel the tears in his eyes seconds before they spilled over, and the concern on Logan’s face only grew as he shifted himself a little closer, moving both his arms to around Patton’s shoulders and he pulled the older boy into a much-needed hug.

Patton didn’t resist, moving to bury his face in Logan’s neck as his boyfriend moved so he was sitting flat on the ground and Patton was in his lap. And Logan held Patton without a word as he finally let slip the last pieces of the mask he had kept up for so long and finally, finally let someone see just how much he was hurting.

There would time for talking later. But Patton needed to let all of this out first.

* * *

Eventually, the tears stopped coming. For a minute Patton didn’t move, not wanting to ruin the silence that had settled over them. He knew as soon as he sat up again all of this would be over and there would be no turning back. As long as he didn’t move he could pretend for just a little while longer that nothing had changed, that his entire life hadn’t just crumbled before him leaving him not knowing what was going to happen.

Patton was terrified. He had no idea how Logan (or the others) were going to react to his confession, to finding out that he had spent years lying to them about who he was, to learning about all the horrible, awful, stupid things he had thought and felt. He would do anything to make this moment last forever so that he never had to see the looks on their faces as they realized their soulmate was nothing but a fraud.

Patton knew it had to end though. The anticipation of how the others were going to react was starting to eat away at him again, he was just going to cause himself another panic attack if he waited too long. He needed to do this now.

He sighed softly, a ghost of a smile crossing his face when Logan shivered at the feel of his breath against his neck, and the very reluctantly he made to sit up. Logan’s arms loosened around him as he shifted but refused to let go completely meaning Patton couldn’t move out of the boy’s lap. He wondered, faintly, if maybe Logan could sense how much everything was about to change and wasn’t quite ready to let go either. Patton didn’t mind. He was willing to pretend a moment longer if Logan was.

“Patton...” Logan’s voice was hardly above a whisper, his hand coming up to cup Patton’s face again, wiping away the few stray tears that remained on his face. His thumb was rubbing gentle circles on his cheek, and Patton couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch. How long had it been since he had been this close with Logan he wondered to himself, realizing with growing guilt that he couldn’t exactly place a day. In fact, sitting here in Logan’s lap Patton couldn’t remember the last time he had really been this close to any of his boyfriends.

“I’m sorry,” Patton whispered, blinking back the tears he could already feel forming again when the realization hit him. “I’ve been such a bad boyfriend to all of you lately,”

“You should not feel the need to apologize, you have clearly been under a lot of stress in the past few weeks,” Logan replied, leaning forward to place a kiss on Patton’s forehead, lips lingering slightly in an attempt to provide a little more comfort. When he pulled back, Patton could see the amount of concern swimming in his eyes and hear it even more in his voice when he spoke. “We have all been so worried about you Patton. You have been so distant from us lately, physically and emotionally. I thought it was just the stress getting to you, but I can see now I was wrong.”

Patton couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping as Logan’s eyes searched his face for answers, his gaze intense and confused and oh so concerned. Logan’s face softened at the sight of the tears, and he wiped them away quickly with his thumb. “My dear heart, please. Tell me what is wrong so that I can try to fix it.”

“You can’t fix this,” Patton said wetly, shaking his head as a few more tears began to fall. God, why couldn’t he seem to stop crying today? “I’ve tried.”

“But you were fighting along.” Logan pointed out, grabbing one of Patton’s hand with his free one and lacing them together, squeezing tightly as if to prove a point. “There is strength in numbers. Especially when those numbers involve someone who loves you.”

Patton stared down at their linked hands, his heart feeling just a little bit lighter from the sight. Looking back up at Logan he nodded. “Okay.”

“Those numbers can also include Roman and Virgil if you wish,” Logan added, watching Patton’s reaction carefully to make sure he hadn’t upset him. “I am sure they would be more than happy to aid us in our task if you’re willing.”

For a moment Patton froze. The idea of telling them all at once was terrifying but then... wasn’t it at least better than having to repeat the same cycle multiple times? No, it would be better to just hurt them all at once and be done with it. “Will you call them?”

Logan smiled softly, proudly, and squeezed Patton’s hand again. “Of course I will, heart. I’m proud of you for trusting us.”

Logan moved his hand away from Patton’s face so that he could grab his phone, and Patton didn’t resist the urge to lay his head back on Logan’s shoulder, shutting his eyes tightly to stop the tears.

For better or for worse it was all about to come out. As scared as he was, Patton couldn’t help but feel a little bit of relief as well. There was going to be no more hiding after this. No more need to worry about what would happen. There was, at least, a silver lining to this whole mess.

* * *

When they arrived, Roman and Virgil joined Logan in sitting on the couch, the three of them pressed too close together for the amount of room they had. Patton was sitting alone across from them curled up in an armchair, wrapped in a blanket Logan had brought him when Patton refused to join the others on the couch hoping it would provide at least a bit of comfort.

They had been sitting in silence for several minutes ever since Roman and Virgil has entered the living room. They had been waiting for Patton to start talking first, not wanting to push him to speak until he was ready. But after a few minutes Logan realized that Patton had no intention of speaking first (he should have figured, considering that Patton was so reluctant to even talk in the first place), so eventually he prodded him. “Patton, my heart, do you want to tell us now what is going on?”

Patton shifted slightly in his chair, seeming to curl in on himself a little tighter, resting his head on his arms and the others briefly caught sight of the tears in Patton’s eyes before he shut them. Then he let out a deep breath and began to talk. The first few words came slowly, and then like a dam broke and the words came flooding out right alongside his tears.

“I’m sorry- I never meant for it to get this far, I thought it would go away on its own and everything would be okay and I would never have to let you know how awful of a soulmate I was. But it didn’t and it just kept getting worse and worse until it felt like it was suffocating me and I didn’t know what to do so I pushed you away because I thought... that I could deal with it on my own and it would make it easier but it didn’t.”

Patton paused, taking several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down enough to continue. His eyes were still closed, which was a good thing, or he might not have been able to keep himself together at the sight of his boyfriends, clearly distressed by his own pain. Virgil had moved to sit in Roman’s lap to keep himself from launching at Patton, and even Logan was holding on tight to both of the other two hands like it was the only thing keeping him in his seat.

“When we first found out that Roman and Virgil had found each other, I was so jealous. I know it’s stupid and selfish of me to say that but I was. And I hated myself for it, which is why I never told you, I lied about being okay so you wouldn’t see how horrible of a person I was. I thought made it would go away in time and everything would be okay but it only seemed to get worse and worse as time went on. And then you met Logan and it I wasn’t even jealous anymore I was angry because it hurt so much, it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t understand why the three of you got to be together and happy while I was all alone. I didn’t want to hate you but part of me did and I hated that so much. I felt so guilty, especially because I was lying to you but I was too scared to stop by that point because I was afraid if I did I would lose you and I would be left completely alone and I couldn’t bear the thought of that. I pretended like everything was okay so you wouldn’t worry and I just, I convinced myself that everything would be okay when we were together, I stopped being angry but that just made the pain feel worse. When I met Virgil, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on before then, and it was like he arrived at the perfect moment to save me and suddenly all of the pain I had felt flooded away and I was happy for the first time in years. I was positive things had to get better from there, that everything would be okay from now because I finally had the three of you at my side, the one thing I had been missing for years. And at first it was like everything had changed and was okay again, until one day it just snapped and all of the pain and loneliness from before came back out of nowhere but it felt so much worse than before. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from, I still don’t understand it, I mean... I should be happy. I have everything I ever wanted, I have the three of you within arms reach, but it was like it was never enough. Nothing was ever enough to satisfy the ache and just knowing that made me feel even more guilty. And I knew when you found out you were going to hate me so I kept trying and trying to keep it from you but I wasn’t strong enough and now...” Patton let out a heartbreaking sob that caused his whole body to shake, burying his face in his arms so the others wouldn’t see him break down. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

The last words were hardly out of Patton’s mouth before there was a pair of arms wrapping around him a tight hug, forcing themselves between Patton’s arm and his leg so their face was pressing against his chest. Patton opened his eyes stunned.  _ Virgil _ .

Roman was right behind him. He gently pulled Patton’s legs the rest of the way away from his chest, lowering them to the ground so he could sit on his lap, on hand coming to cup Patton’s face gently as he did so. Logan perched himself on the arm of the chair near Roman, linking one hand with Patton’s as his other went to gently stroke his hair.

“Oh my love...” Roman murmured, stroking Patton’s cheek softly as he stared into his eyes like he was trying to see into his soul.  “How could we have not seen how much you were hurting all this time?”

“All the signs were there. And yet we chose to ignore them.” Logan agreed, sounding more remorseful than Patton had ever heard him, his hand shaking just slightly as he gripped tighter to Patton’s. “We wanted so badly for the lie to be true because we didn’t want to face the reality of the alternative.”

“You didn’t let us down, Pat.” Virgil’s voice was muffled slightly from where his face was pressed into Patton’s shirt, a wet shirt already forming from Virgil’s own tears. Sniffling slightly, Virgil turned his head slightly and continued “We’re the ones who let you down. And we have been since Princey and I met. We should have known even over the bond it was all an act, but we didn’t.”

“It’s not your fault.” Patton protested weakly, dropping his gaze from Roman’s so he no longer had to see the guilt shining back at him. “I didn’t tell you.”

“You shouldn’t have to.” Virgil argued, lifting his head slightly so he could look at Patton, locking eyes as he replied “You always know when I’m feeling anxious before I say anything, you know when Logan’s gotten too stressed long before he shuts down, and you can always tell when Roman’s struggling and needs some encouraging words. You can read us like books, we should at least be able to tell when you’re upset.”

“But I lied to you. I told you that everything was okay when it wasn’t.” Patton said as if it was the greatest offense in the world. “I promised I was never going to do that. And I have for years.”

“You were scared, Patton, and it is not uncommon for humans to deal with such fear by lying. It does make you inherently bad just because you did so. It simply makes you human.” Logan replied, sounding so sure of his words Patton felt his breath catch in his throat. He couldn’t believe... were they really not upset with him? “Besides, I think it is clear to all of us that you deeply regret your lie. You seemed to have participated in more than enough self-punishment. At this point, it would merely be counterproductive for any of us to be angry with you.”

“We love you, Patton. We’re not going to give up on you because of one mistake.” Roman added, dropping his hand so he could pull Patton into a hug, resting his head protectively on top of Patton’s. “We’re not going to give up on you ever.”

Patton blinked slowly as the words hit him. It took a minute for it to really soak in what they were saying, that they weren’t angry at him, weren’t going to leave him just because he had lied to them so long. When it did, he couldn’t stop a sob from escaping.

“We’ll get through this together.” Virgil promised, squeezing Patton a little bit tighter in his hug, silently telling him ‘ _ We’re never going to let you go _ ’.

Logan moved to wrap his arm around Patton’s shoulder, leaning over so that he was holding him in a half hug, the best he could from his position. “You are not alone, dear heart. Things are going to be okay.”

A weight felt like it had been lifted off of Patton’s chest as he sat there surrounded by the three people he loved the most, and softly he let out a breath he felt like he had been holding for too long. The worry and guilt and fear he had been carrying with him for the past three years melted away, and for the first time in a long time, Patton found himself believing Logan when he said things would be okay.


End file.
